two years since I said goodbye

Two years ago today I had a miscarriage. A miscarriage is a surreal experience. There is pain, there are tears, blood, sleepless nights and, most of all, there is uncertainty. Not only do you not know when it will end (a miscarriage can take two weeks to complete) but you have no idea how you should be feeling, what you should say, or what others should say to you. There's far too much mystery surrounding something that happens to one out of four pregnancies. When I had mine most people had no idea how to react to me as I was a complete emotional wreck and felt very numb inside. Im very close to my kids and for all my life I have had a special bond with kids, whether it was my cousin, nephew, niece, friends kids or kids I babysit. They are attracted to me naturally and I absolutely love being with them. So when I had my miscarriage it was one of the most devastating things I have ever gone thru and everyone around me knew this. Some didnt know what to say to me, others tried to make light of it hoping it would help by saying things like ,well it wasn't really more then just an embryo anyway, others would say there was a reason for this happening. No matter what anyone said to me I had just lost a piece of ME. And I didnt understand why and all I wanted was to have it back....God please give it back to me!!!!! When I was at the hospital they actually allowed Josh and I the opportunity to see the this precious little being. I know to some they would think how morbid...but to me I just had to have the chance to see it one time. My heart still aches thinking back to that moment...seeing that tiny little baby laying there with no life to it...wishing that as I reached to touch it that it would some how come back to me. There he or she was so small with fingers and toes....just no longer a beating heart. To this day my heart aches for this baby, Ive learned to move on with my life but I haven't learned how to let go and honestly I dont want to. I thank God each and every day for the three awesome and healthy boys he has given me, and though I still sometimes wonder why this one was taken from me Ive accepted the fact that it was and that there is nothing I can do about it. I feel that this is something that alot of women do not talk about but I know that alot of them have to feel the same things as me. There is nothing we can do ab0ut whats happened but it is very therapeutic to sometimes be able to talk about it. So for me I took this time to blog about it and I hope that I didnt offend anyone. Im sitting here trying to type this with tears running down my face and hoping it makes some kind of sense..this wasnt about anything other then the chance for me to get out what Im feeling inside on this day....I love you my precious little one and I pray that one day I will see you again...only this time with a beating heart!!!