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Friday, April 17, 2009

two years since I said goodbye


Two years ago today I had a miscarriage. A miscarriage is a surreal experience. There is pain, there are tears, blood, sleepless nights and, most of all, there is uncertainty. Not only do you not know when it will end (a miscarriage can take two weeks to complete) but you have no idea how you should be feeling, what you should say, or what others should say to you. There's far too much mystery surrounding something that happens to one out of four pregnancies. When I had mine most people had no idea how to react to me as I was a complete emotional wreck and felt very numb inside. Im very close to my kids and for all my life I have had a special bond with kids, whether it was my cousin, nephew, niece, friends kids or kids I babysit. They are attracted to me naturally and I absolutely love being with them. So when I had my miscarriage it was one of the most devastating things I have ever gone thru and everyone around me knew this. Some didnt know what to say to me, others tried to make light of it hoping it would help by saying things like ,well it wasn't really more then just an embryo anyway, others would say there was a reason for this happening. No matter what anyone said to me I had just lost a piece of ME. And I didnt understand why and all I wanted was to have it back....God please give it back to me!!!!! When I was at the hospital they actually allowed Josh and I the opportunity to see the this precious little being. I know to some they would think how morbid...but to me I just had to have the chance to see it one time. My heart still aches thinking back to that moment...seeing that tiny little baby laying there with no life to it...wishing that as I reached to touch it that it would some how come back to me. There he or she was so small with fingers and toes....just no longer a beating heart. To this day my heart aches for this baby, Ive learned to move on with my life but I haven't learned how to let go and honestly I dont want to. I thank God each and every day for the three awesome and healthy boys he has given me, and though I still sometimes wonder why this one was taken from me Ive accepted the fact that it was and that there is nothing I can do about it. I feel that this is something that alot of women do not talk about but I know that alot of them have to feel the same things as me. There is nothing we can do ab0ut whats happened but it is very therapeutic to sometimes be able to talk about it. So for me I took this time to blog about it and I hope that I didnt offend anyone. Im sitting here trying to type this with tears running down my face and hoping it makes some kind of sense..this wasnt about anything other then the chance for me to get out what Im feeling inside on this day....I love you my precious little one and I pray that one day I will see you again...only this time with a beating heart!!!

9 comments:

RileyScott said...

I'm sorry for your loss

Sally's World said...

oh dena...i'm sitting here crying too, i feel your pain...it is hard with a miscarriage, as the baby isn't real yet to anyone else, they don't feel the same, even my husband couldn't understand my grief when i miscarried...of course when a child dies everyone mourns, there is a funeral, but with miscarriages we internalise it becasue we know it only happened to us!

i know know that all the babies i lost are up in heaven with their big brother Aaron and it almost gave me comfort to know he would have met them...

there are no rules to how you grieve, or for how long, i know the dates, the expected birthdates of all my lost babies, i will never forget or stop yearning.

you will see your precious angel again, i have no doubt...

sending you a huge hug and love, today is a day you will always know, it will always be hard, but i can tell you have a love and gratitude also, your strength shines through dena

lots of love

sal
xxxxxxxxxxxx

SO said...

I am so sorry that you have this heartache. I, for one, believe that you will have the chance to raise that baby in the next life. I think that losing a child is probably the most difficult thing one can go through. (((hugs)))

Cheryl said...

I think about my miscarriage every now and then...my child would have been 17 years old now and I wonder what my life would've been like had I been able to bring that little life into this world....but God had a different plan for me. That's amazing that they let you see your baby...I never got that chance. I pray God brings you comfort during this time and blesses you with peace.
Luv and Hugs!

~Tom~ said...

You are right, I really had no way of being able to say the right things when it happened. I remember the day and I remember your tears. One thing I do think though, is don't worry about not being able to let go. You know you never will. So rather than trying to find a way to let go, look deep within your heart and find the way to hold on. After all, your memory is really the only thing you have........hugz kiddo.

The Pink Bird House said...

Dena, I too sit here and cry for your loss, because I too have been thru it and I know the pain, agony, confusion, and all the others things that go along with it. Some how your mind and heart can not quite comprehend what has happened, even tho your body knows better. And as you mentioned, others do not know how to react to you. But I find that is always the case when dealing with a tragedy, no matter what it is. When I lost my mother, can you believe that a friend of mine actually said to me, "well I am just so happy that I still have both my parents with me", and she thought that her words would be a comfort to me at such a devastating time of my life. Just remember, your little baby is there waiting for you, and you will again be able to see it and hold it in your arms, and love it always! Take care and remember that we are all thinking of you today!! Debby

Missy said...

I am so sorry you had to experience this! I know the pain is still so hard! Like the others, I know that you will be reunited with this precious one! I will be praying for you! Hugs!

Cozyflier said...

Hugs to you Dena, I'm sorry for your loss. I think that people can't understand it unless they have gone through it. I have not, but I'm sorry that you and others have to.

How could your post possibly offend anyone? It was caring and you were just letting your feelings out.

XXX
Carrie

Kathy B! said...

I'm so sorry Dena. It speaks to the kind of mother that you are that you still have such a special place in your heart for your baby. Hugs...