Proclaiming my Independence

I decided to blog about something that is very personal to me and yet I feel for some reason I just need to get it out. Im a victim of domestic violence. My first marriage which lasted 8 years I was emotionally, psychologically, and sexually abused. I didn't know it was abuse because it happened so gradually. Eventually my self-esteem, self confidence and self-worth were destroyed, and I became afraid to do anything or make any decisions. I thought I was stupid, incompetent, a moron and an idiot. To the outside world everything seemed fine. I for whatever reasons tried really hard to always keep everything under wraps. I didnt want people to know how life really was. After 8 years of this and things only clearly getting worse I finally had enough, I got away from this man with my kids and started to build my life again.This man decided to have absolutely nothing to do with his kids so they have grown up without him, he never sent them gifts, made phone calls, never attended their high school graduations nothing,we always sent invites, always sent pictures, he just always chose to ignore everything, and he lived 5 miles from us. In my opinion the boys have been better off without him. Soon after I got away from #1 I met someone new and 2 years later he became husband #2. I thought this man was my saviour, he loved me,loved my boys, he protected us and made us feel whole again. Life was good finally or so I thought. After the birth of " our" first child the bullying, name calling, controlling started. he became possessive of me, saying he just was having a hard time dealing with the fact he had to share my attention with another child. I was a stay at home mom. I had given up my job of babysitting because this is what he wanted me to do. And I was ok with that as it gave me more time with my kids and our new baby. I didnt know then that it was just setting things up for me to become totally dependent on him. Life went on and we had our ups and downs just like everyone else. But what wasnt like everyone else was the fact that if he would get angry he'd grab our baby and head for the door acting like he was going to leave. Of course there would be no way I could let him leave with our baby when he was clearly mad. So Id find a way to get him to relax and calm things down. And once again make life ok , not realizing that this too was just another game as I call it, he was playing. It all made sense to me once I was outside of the box so to speak. Men like this want the woman to be dependent on them, it makes them feel important the more the woman feels she cant live without him the more important he feels. Now on top of all of this I am a sufferer of anxiety. Which I hate because it controls me sometimes. So living my life being controlled by anxiety and married to a controlling man is certainly not a good combination. After 10 years of being with this man and doing everything in my power to make this relationship work because I thought I really loved him. Everything came to an end the night he hit me and then turned on my oldest son who was trying to protect me. My son ended up at the hospital to have test done to make sure there was no damage done , the damage that was done cant be seen by test . The ex ended up one night in jail just to be released the next day on a $100 dollar fine with the district attorney saying he believed this was just a mistake. I ended up feeling like my whole life just fell apart right in front of me. And I felt like the police, the law everyone had let me and my kids down by not making this man pay for what he did to us. I withdrew into myself. I subconsciously built a wall around me so that the hurt went in, but nothing came out. I numbed-down my emotions to the point where I wasn't able to feel or think. Then one day I realized I had 3 kids that needed ME, they were depending on ME. So for the first time in my life I went out and got a job, huge step for someone with my kind of anxiety. I got the divorce I needed, paid for it myself (not cheap) , the boys and I remained in our home which I have paid for myself all these years. My older boys went on to graduate high school and both are in college now. My youngest is in the 4th grade and has to go see this man every other week-end. I hate those week-ends when he has to go over there and I spend most of my time praying he will be safe. I spent 3 years on my own after the last divorce, finding myself, although I still have some of that to do still, I learned to be stronger then I ever thought was possible. After 5 years being away from #2 I am now working at home, and as you know from reading my blog I have found a man, been with him for 2 1/2 years. He knows what Ive been thru and he has helped me to love and trust again. Through the time before he came into my life and my time with him I have finally proclaimed my Independence from Domestic Violence!!!!!

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything...
but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear...

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey...
but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong..