I had her move in with us up until it was no longer feasible because she had lost the use of her legs and I was pregnant with Devin and there was no way I could help her up and down the stairs in our house. So I found a place that she could stay , I would take my new born Devin and go spend each and every day with her, up until it was time to go pick up his big brothers from school. And two nights of the week we would all go and spend hours with her.
Watching someone that you love so much slowly leave you is so heartbreaking. The feeling of wanting so much to be able to make things better for them and take away any discomfort they have but yet there is absolutely nothing that you can do is one of the hardest things in the world to deal with. I miss her so very much, and I cant even count how many times in the last 11 years that I have wished I could just pick up the phone and ask her a question. Just to hear her voice again would be so calming, to feel her hug again would do wonders for me. If even for a moment I could just look into her eyes and just get that feeling that everything would be alright ,would be so amazing. But for now I hold on to her memory and hold her close to my heart.
This week-end we went to put out flowers for her, Devin and I built her a small little snowman. We forgot our gloves so we froze our hands off , but I knew that she was looking down at us and just smiling at how silly we were and that in return made me smile.
If Roses Grow in Heaven
If roses grow in Heaven Lord
Please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my Mother's arms
and tell her they're from me.
Tell her I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for a while.
Because remembering her is easy,
I do it everyday,
But there is an ache within my heart
That will never go away.