Im in a funk AGAIN

Im having one of my moments I go thru this at different times and this time its hitting me bad. I have packed on a few extra pounds over the winter I can feel it. I already am hmmm I guess the nice way to put it is "fluffy" and that sometimes gets to me. I dont wish to be all skinny and boney I just wish to be how I was before I had my last son. I dont know why but after having him I have never been able to get back down to any where close to how I was before I got pregnant with him. I have tried diets(they dont work), diet pills (they dont work and some turned out being unsafe), when I was a teenager I actually starved myself and landed myself in the hospital hooked up to IV's listening to the doctor tell my mom how I was very lucky to be alive. I got myself to the point I couldnt even walk. It was ridiculous and I am much older now and would never do something that stupid again. Sometimes I just look at it as this is how I am so deal with it and I do fine. but then for whatever reasons its like a dark cloud comes over me and the next thing i know Im depressed and sad about how I look. I cry about it and obsess over it. Now "joshy" he always tells me he loves me the way I am..and he thinks Im SEXY...he always shows me attention...you know kisses, huggins.. smacks oin the ass, always in the mood. so that should tell me that he isnt the least bit worried about the few pounds I have packed on..but why does it get to me like it does?? I mean seriously I start feeling guilty about eating anything. I know I have to eat, but man what can I eat that isnt going to make me feel like a cow!!! Im not the healthy food kinda person...sure Ill do salads now and then I eat my fruits and veggies. but Im just not the sit down and count your calorie intake kinda girl. I wanna eat what I want to eat when I want to eat and NOT have to feel so damn guilty about it!!! I SWEAR SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I GAIN WEIGHT JUST THINKING ABOUT FOOD OR EVEN JUST WATCHING SOMEONE ELSE EAT THE FOOD!!! I dont know what to do anymore..and Im really tired of being in this funk.

DONT WANT TO LOOK LIKE THIS

BUT DONT WANT TO LOOK LIKE THIS EITHER!!