For you mom

Eleven years ago today I lost my mom. Growing up mom and I didnt always get along...we actually didnt get along at all! It wasn't until I was an adult and had kids of my own that we finally became the best of friends. She leaned on me while she battled 6 years of cancer and I stayed strong for her the whole time..even though it felt like I was dying inside.
I had her move in with us up until it was no longer feasible because she had lost the use of her legs and I was pregnant with Devin and there was no way I could help her up and down the stairs in our house. So I found a place that she could stay , I would take my new born Devin and go spend each and every day with her, up until it was time to go pick up his big brothers from school. And two nights of the week we would all go and spend hours with her.
Watching someone that you love so much slowly leave you is so heartbreaking. The feeling of wanting so much to be able to make things better for them and take away any discomfort they have but yet there is absolutely nothing that you can do is one of the hardest things in the world to deal with. I miss her so very much, and I cant even count how many times in the last 11 years that I have wished I could just pick up the phone and ask her a question. Just to hear her voice again would be so calming, to feel her hug again would do wonders for me. If even for a moment I could just look into her eyes and just get that feeling that everything would be alright ,would be so amazing. But for now I hold on to her memory and hold her close to my heart.
This week-end we went to put out flowers for her, Devin and I built her a small little snowman. We forgot our gloves so we froze our hands off , but I knew that she was looking down at us and just smiling at how silly we were and that in return made me smile.

I love and I miss you Mom, as much today as I did the day you first left.

God saw you getting tired. When a cure was not to be, He closed his arms around you and whispered, "Come to Me". In tears we saw you sinking. We watched you fade away. Our hearts were almost broken, you fought so hard to stay. But when we saw you sleeping so peacefully free from pain, We could not wish you back to suffer so again. So keep your arms around her Lord, and give her special care. Make up for all she suffered and all that seemed unfair.

If Roses Grow in Heaven

If roses grow in Heaven Lord
Please pick a bunch for me.
Place them in my Mother's arms
and tell her they're from me.
Tell her I love her and miss her,
and when she turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon her cheek
and hold her for a while.
Because remembering her is easy,
I do it everyday,
But there is an ache within my heart
That will never go away.

Ten years ago

Ten years ago today I lost a very important person in my life...my mom. Today I went and put flowers out on her grave, its over a hundred miles from where I live and I try to take new flowers there as often as I can. I was so sad today when I got there and seen that there was no flowers there at all. Usually my old ones are still there waiting for me to replace them but today even those were gone. I picked out some pretty white with pink on the edge roses. I know its not the season for roses but it was a flower that mom would grow and always be so proud of. She had some that where GIANT and oh so pretty. Josh had actually asked me this morning if I wanted to go and put flowers out for my mom and that meant so much to me that he suggested it before I even said anything. So Josh and Devin went with me when we got there I talked about how when Devin was a little younger we had gone there and made a tiny little snowman with stick arms that were different sizes it was too cute, talked about how Devin and I have gone and just sat down right there and talked about grandma, Devin was only 8 months old when mom died so he never got the chance to get to know her like the older boys did. But I have talked about her and tried hard to keep the memory of her around us always. I will admit though that its hard sometimes. I mean we have pictures to look at to remind us of how she looked , and letters she wrote to remind us of her handwriting, the things she made us to remind us of her crafty side, I even still have some perfume of hers that reminds me of how she smelled. But what I dont have is her voice. I hate that, I can't remember what she sounds like. I mean sure if she was to talk to me today I would know it was her. But its the fact that I dont get to hear it anymore that makes me sad. And I dont get to feel her touch, man have there been so many times in the last 10 years that Ive needed that. But I know that she is with me each and every day. I feel it, she listens to me when I talk to her, and I await for the day she talks back to me. I love her and I miss her so very much.
You are with me always mom.
For you mom:
A thousand times we needed you
A thousand times we cried
If love alone could have saved you
you never would have died
A heart of gold stopped beating
two twinkling eyes closed to rest
God broke our hearts to prove he only took the best

Never a day goes by that you're not in my heart and my soul