Proclaiming my Independence

I decided to blog about something that is very personal to me and yet I feel for some reason I just need to get it out. Im a victim of domestic violence. My first marriage which lasted 8 years I was emotionally, psychologically, and sexually abused. I didn't know it was abuse because it happened so gradually. Eventually my self-esteem, self confidence and self-worth were destroyed, and I became afraid to do anything or make any decisions. I thought I was stupid, incompetent, a moron and an idiot. To the outside world everything seemed fine. I for whatever reasons tried really hard to always keep everything under wraps. I didnt want people to know how life really was. After 8 years of this and things only clearly getting worse I finally had enough, I got away from this man with my kids and started to build my life again.This man decided to have absolutely nothing to do with his kids so they have grown up without him, he never sent them gifts, made phone calls, never attended their high school graduations nothing,we always sent invites, always sent pictures, he just always chose to ignore everything, and he lived 5 miles from us. In my opinion the boys have been better off without him. Soon after I got away from #1 I met someone new and 2 years later he became husband #2. I thought this man was my saviour, he loved me,loved my boys, he protected us and made us feel whole again. Life was good finally or so I thought. After the birth of " our" first child the bullying, name calling, controlling started. he became possessive of me, saying he just was having a hard time dealing with the fact he had to share my attention with another child. I was a stay at home mom. I had given up my job of babysitting because this is what he wanted me to do. And I was ok with that as it gave me more time with my kids and our new baby. I didnt know then that it was just setting things up for me to become totally dependent on him. Life went on and we had our ups and downs just like everyone else. But what wasnt like everyone else was the fact that if he would get angry he'd grab our baby and head for the door acting like he was going to leave. Of course there would be no way I could let him leave with our baby when he was clearly mad. So Id find a way to get him to relax and calm things down. And once again make life ok , not realizing that this too was just another game as I call it, he was playing. It all made sense to me once I was outside of the box so to speak. Men like this want the woman to be dependent on them, it makes them feel important the more the woman feels she cant live without him the more important he feels. Now on top of all of this I am a sufferer of anxiety. Which I hate because it controls me sometimes. So living my life being controlled by anxiety and married to a controlling man is certainly not a good combination. After 10 years of being with this man and doing everything in my power to make this relationship work because I thought I really loved him. Everything came to an end the night he hit me and then turned on my oldest son who was trying to protect me. My son ended up at the hospital to have test done to make sure there was no damage done , the damage that was done cant be seen by test . The ex ended up one night in jail just to be released the next day on a $100 dollar fine with the district attorney saying he believed this was just a mistake. I ended up feeling like my whole life just fell apart right in front of me. And I felt like the police, the law everyone had let me and my kids down by not making this man pay for what he did to us. I withdrew into myself. I subconsciously built a wall around me so that the hurt went in, but nothing came out. I numbed-down my emotions to the point where I wasn't able to feel or think. Then one day I realized I had 3 kids that needed ME, they were depending on ME. So for the first time in my life I went out and got a job, huge step for someone with my kind of anxiety. I got the divorce I needed, paid for it myself (not cheap) , the boys and I remained in our home which I have paid for myself all these years. My older boys went on to graduate high school and both are in college now. My youngest is in the 4th grade and has to go see this man every other week-end. I hate those week-ends when he has to go over there and I spend most of my time praying he will be safe. I spent 3 years on my own after the last divorce, finding myself, although I still have some of that to do still, I learned to be stronger then I ever thought was possible. After 5 years being away from #2 I am now working at home, and as you know from reading my blog I have found a man, been with him for 2 1/2 years. He knows what Ive been thru and he has helped me to love and trust again. Through the time before he came into my life and my time with him I have finally proclaimed my Independence from Domestic Violence!!!!!

A strong woman isn't afraid of anything...
but a woman of strength shows courage in the midst of her fear...

A strong woman has faith that she is strong enough for the journey...
but a woman of strength has faith that it is in the journey that she will become strong..

another thought 4 today

Courage does not always roar. Sometimes, it is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow."

Thought 4 My Thursday

"The Rose"

"It's the heart afraid of dying, that never learns to dance; It's the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance; It's the one who won't be taken, who cannot seem to give; And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live."

Bette Midler

Random picture of the day

I told you before that Josh gets to see some different things when he is out on the job....(he does land surveying) well he just sent me these two pictures of turkeys he seen while he was surveying...I know the pictures are small and not the real clear but thought they were cool and wanted to share with you.

something to think about

I am intrigued by this...he must of thought this was the best way to describe his life...and for some reason it makes me feel sad inside

What about me 4 my Wednesday

Today I am sooooo sleepy....I just feel like I have not got enough sleep this whole week....I know it is because Josh is getting up at 5 because he has to be at work an hour earlier, and of course I dont have to get up until 7 but once he gets up and out of bed I no longer feel like I can sleep. I lay there for awhile tossing and turning trying to convince myself to go back to sleep...but it does me no good I finally get up and go get into the shower and just get my day started too. This is how it will be from now until fall when his hours will change , so I guess I better start getting used to this so Im not dragging butt all summer long!!!!

Have you ever wondered if the one dollar bills in your wallet were once in a strippers butt crack?

Toons 4 My Tuesday

LIGHTS OUT!!!

So about 9 last night Josh and I are all snuggled on the couch watching some tv.....Devin comes walking in the door after a long night of playing with the neighborhood kids..and then it happened. All at once every light..every tv...every frig,video game, radio, microwave, clock, every single electrical anything went out in our whole town!!!! Our cell phones wouldn't even work!!!! Josh being the curious man he is said lets get in the explorer and go see whats going on, luckily it was parked outside because we couldn't get to the car as it was in the garage and well t the garage door wouldn't open. So there we were along with everyone else driving around to see was it just happening on our side of town, but nope it was every where. That is such an eery feeling having your whole town dark....no street lights, no store lights, just other peoples headlights in a town full of darkness. Its always crazy how when things like this happen you can never find your flashlights...we had one that could be found so I used it to hunt down some candles and give us some sort of light. I searched for a small battery powered radio and we listened to the one and only channel that I could pick up on that thing to see if they could give us any clue as to what was going on. Still dont know what happened., but did hear the electricity kick on about 11:30 and then go back off 2 minutes later. Then about 4:30 this morning it was back on again and so far its stayed on. What was weird was to sit and think about how much we depend on electricity in our life. How we feel lost if we cant turn on the tv, or warm something in the microwave. How strange it is to try to go to the bathroom and get ready for bed with only candle light. And yet our ancestors did it that way every day and night. It was strange how suddenly being in the dark made you feel a little scared, because you didnt know what was happening because in this day and age you cant help but to ask yourself..are we being invaded???? Has someone come and taken all our power away??? Is some one going to come jumping out of the dark???? But Im glad to say we made it thru....and today is just another day...I was able to turn on the tv this morning, pull my car out of the garage and get Devin to school, make some toast, and start some laundry. No one was attacking us, and no one came and took all our electricity away. It was just one of those crazy things that happened and thru it all you couldnt help but to think back to how life use to be and also have those little thoughts run thru your head asking yourself....WHAT IF?????

An Attitude of Gratitude

Sally at http://sallyannestephenson.blogspot.com/has given me this award. This woman is a total sweetheart. She has so much going on in her life and yet she always finds time to stop by and read what everyone has to say and she will leave you a comment each time. If you go read her blog you will laugh with her, learn from her and sometimes feel like crying with her. She's an awesome woman...thanks Sally!!!

The Rules of Accepting and Sharing this Award:

1.Put the logo on your blog or post.

2. Nominate at least 10 blogs that show an attitude of gratitude.

1. TOM...at Babbles and Life stories Hes one of my best friends and well he certainly deserves this award for MANY reasons...mostly because he puts up with me!!!!

2. Cheryl...at A peek into my life She's my other best friend....shes been thru thick and thin with me . Shes a very strong woman, who has been thru alot herself !!

3.Kathy B...at the world according to me - this lady makes ya wish she was your next door neighbor!!!! She always has something to say and most of the time its going to make you laugh!!

4. Carrie at....Funk Squared Just seems like a down to earth kind of person...someone you just like knowing and wish she lived closer to you

5. Lori at.... I can be right, or I can be happy another one of those women that you just wish lived close to you so you could go have a girls day out, love her blog

6.Debby at...THE PINK BIRDHOUSE This lady is from the USA but now lives in Germany and she shares the most amazing pictures in her blog makes you wish you was there with her. She always leaves very touching comments to let you know she stopped by

7. Shanna at... Just so love this womans sense of humor...go check out her page...you wont be sorry

8. Lana at...The Kids Did WHAT?! Shes a single mom trying to find herself....arent we all trying to do that still???? Anyway love her sense of humor

9...Devin....at What I think hes my son and I think hes awesome...and for being only 10 years old he has some good things he write about....go check out his page!!!

10. I give it back to Sally....as I said before she is an awesome lady and she for sure deserves this award!!!


3. Link to your nominees within your post.


4.Comment on their blogs to let them know they've received this award.

5.Share the love and link to this post and the person who nominated you for the award. Tell us how you've come to have an attitude of gratitude.

I think that being a mom has by far been the most gratifying thing I have ever done. To know all the hard times we have been thru and yet I can look at each one of my boys and be proud of who they are and who they are growing into. Suffering from anxiety, living with domestic violence for years , and then becoming a single mom doing it all alone for 3 years before Josh came into my life taught me that I was stronger then I ever thought I was. I now have 2 boys in college and one at the top of his 4th grade class, each one of them is the kind of son that any mom would be proud to have...Im just lucky enough that they belong to me!!!!

am I the crazy one?

So this week-end Devin went to a sleep over with about 5 other 10 year old boys....he was looking forward to it just like most kids do. It was for one of his friends birthday so we had picked out what Devin thought was the coolest nerf gun and right after school they were taking all the boys over to their house for the fun to begin!!!! I tend to be one of those moms that worry alot but I was feeling alright about this because Devin has gone to this friends house before so I didnt feel I had anything to worry about. We went and picked him up from the boys house about 10 the next morning. Devin didnt seem himself I thought oh he is probably tired as sleep overs never really include much sleep!!!! I asked Devin if he had a fun time and he said it was ok...so now Im thinking something is differently wrong!!! Once we got home he told me that one of the boys had a razor cell phone and had taken pictures of girls butts and was showing everyone. I thought to myself wow a 10 year old with razor cell phone...who does that and why???? Obviously this child is not mature enough to be using it the right way. I mean I got Devin a little tracphone only for when he is at his dad's house because his dad wont let him use his phone, and then he uses it if he walks home from school so he can be in touch with me during the walk, its the cheapest phone you can get its less then $10. Then Devin went on to tell me that most of the boys cussed the whole time...saying words like "shit" "damn" "fuck" even when the parents were around, I certainly do not allow my 10 year old to go around talking this way!!! This all made Devin feel uncomfortable and made me wonder once again what is going on with our kids now a days!! What happened to just being a kid, and why are parents ok with all of this. I sometimes wonder am I the only one that doesnt find this kind of behavior to be appropriate?? Am I suddenly in a universe that all this is ok??? Please someone tell me am I the one going crazy here????

Music 4 My Monday

I'm mixing it up this week bet I catch some of you off guard when you see this post...heheh its ok....having teenagers Ive learned to listen to and actually like all kinds of music...and this is just another one of those that I really like the beat to it...makes me wanna get up and dance!!!

Favorite 4 My Friday

Left to right....Dakota (19)...Devin (10)....Kody (21)

My boys' version of "hear no evil...see no evil...speak no evil"
(yes I see what Kody is doing!!! that's what makes it funny)

What is happening to the world today?

I never thought I would someday be expressing that same line “what is happening to the world today?” as it is a popular phrase among the old folks back then when I was a kid. And now I find myself saying that almost every night when I sit to watch the news. Last night I started on one of my tangents if you want to call it that. I was pointing out how screwed up things are now a days as compared to when we was growing up. Sure there were issues back then but wow things have gotten much worse in my opinion. And here are some of the things I blame for it. Back when I was growing up video games where fun...we had silly little characters bopping over the screen trying to save the princess, sure we had driving games and football games. And though the graphics are so much better now then they were back then its the fact that we NOW have video games that have people cussing, and stealing with guns and blood and gore. I as a mom do not see the reason for all of this. We survived on games like PAC Man, Donkey Kong, Frogger, asteroids why is it necessary our kids need all this violence in a game??? And that brings me to movies...I mean what was rated "R" when we were growing up is now what they consider "PG13" and we are seeing way more naked bodies and blood and gore now in the PG13 movies then we did in the R movies back then. I mean its every where if you pay attention..even commercials now a days have more of a woman's body exposed. Something as simple as a mom talking about her mini van now has her with cleavage galore showing...and why???? Does this have anything at all to do with the van's seating or extra storage space??? I don't think so!!!!! We even have cartoons that are over exposing the woman's cleavage...who in their right mind thought that was important???? Anymore the tv is over loaded with reality shows and most of them just generate some kind of immoral acts. Where has every ones morals gone???? I mean now a days even the mannequins at the store have nipples on them..I'm not lying look the next time you are out and about!!!! I still am not understanding how adding nipples to a plastic doll was going to make such a difference in how the shirt is going to look but apparently someone thought it was important!! I sometimes feel like I'm all alone in this world...still trying to teach my boys how to grow up to be a real man, to respect a woman, to be responsible, to take responsibility for their actions. To remember simple things like please and thank you!!!! I get told all the time that I have done a great job with my boys. And that is something I feel so very good about. I mean just last night the neighbor guy was telling me about the manners that my 10 year old has and that he and his wife keep hoping it will rub off on their two kids...I couldnt help but smile...REAL BIG!!!!! The way things are makes me so I don't even want to watch tv anymore. don't want to hear about another little innocent child missing , found dead, or molested. Don't want to hear about anymore school shootings, Don't want to hear about who is cheating on who and who's the next one getting a divorce. I mean honestly it starts getting depressing. And Ive said it before and I'm going to say it again. Its time that people start taking a good look at themselves. Do you play a part in the craziness of this world? Or are you doing your part in making sure that your family is raised with some family values??? Because when I look around I honestly don't see much of that anymore and it makes me sad, because I have kids that are still growing up and who one day will have kids of their own and I certainly don't want to see things getting any worse then they are now...I can't even imagine that!!!!

Thought 4 My Thursday

Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

HAPPY EARTH DAY

Today, take a moment to care for your environment, and to think about how you can live your life in an eco-friendlier manner. Maybe it's as simple as watering your garden or yard at the right time of the day, or recycling, finding ways to cut back on some of the energy you use, like unplugging things that are not being used. There are plenty of small changes you can make that add up. Remember this is OUR EARTH...so WE ALL NEED TO DO OUR PART!! I know that sometimes we all feel "green" guilt and think that being green means we have to give up toilet paper. Maybe it does, but I’m certainly not going to do that!! Do what you can. It’s not hard.

Here's some ideas:

Vow to recycle more (This is how long it takes for some of our garbage to break down)
plastic ...over 500 years
aluminum cans...over 500 years
organic materials....6 months
cotton and paper.....6 months


Unplug your electronics when they are not in use. Make sure the dishwasher and washing machines are full when you run them.

Switch to compact fluorescent bulbs They’ll save you money in the long run, and the quality of light they emit has greatly improved in the last few years.

Install a digital thermostat Then you can set it so its not running when no one is home and have it cool down or heat up some just before you are due to arrive

Think back to what your driving habits were like when gas was $4/gallon. Have you slipped back into your old habits?

Bring reusable bags to the grocery store Keep them in your car so you never forget to grab them. After you unload the groceries, make sure you throw them back into the trunk.


There are many ways we all can do our part to save our earth..let today be a reminder of that!!!

What about me 4 Wednesday

I have decided to start trying to work some of the extra pounds off that I have accumulated in the last ohhhh ummmm almost 11 years since my last son was born....YIKES I KNOW!!!! So anyway I have cut myself back to only allowing myself to have one diet coke a day.... and I drink lots of water and actually have added some fiber drinks to the mix , which have turned out to be very tasty, my problem has never been that I eat too much its more that I dont eat the right things and Im not a diet kind of person . I also dont get any exercise so I have added vitamins to my life, added fiber to keep me regular (something Ive always had problems with) and Josh, Devin and I have started bike riding and walking every night. I have not rode a bike in like 10 years and its not that I forgot how to I just forgot that it hurts your butt!!! and wow trying to pedal in the wind is soooo frickin hard!!!! But after we have been out for a good 45 minutes and we take our 15-20 minute walk I feel so much better. Of course I wish there was a miracle diet pill that just ate the fat away while I was sleeping but since thats not the case I will continue with this and hope and pray that I soon start seeing results. Im not hoping to look like a beauty queen or anything (though that would be nice hehe) I just want to feel comfortable in my own body once again. And with Josh and Devin as my little personal trainers to keep pushing me and not letting me give up then I should get there. I actually just looked it up and walking for 20 minutes I can burn 106 calories, and riding my bike for 45 minutes burn 545 calories. WOW that makes me more motivated!!!! I will keep you posted as time goes and if any of you have suggestions on whats work for you let me know!!

"BEFORE"

AND HOPEFULLY ONE DAY THE "AFTER"

some things to ponder...

Why does everyone including his little sister call Charlie Brown by both his first and last name?


If Wile E. Coyote could afford to buy all the stuff from ACME why didn't he just buy a meal?

Why would the Flintstones be celebrating Christmas if the time they were living in was BC?

In the Itchy and Scratchy cartoon on the Simpsons why doesn't Scratchy ever scratch Itchy?



Why is it that whenever Scooby and Shaggie come out of the back of the mystery van they are always hungry?


If Smurfette is the only girl smurf and they are all supposed to be family, where did all those baby smurfs come from?



If Marge's hair is blue and Homer's is brown, how come their children (Bart, Lisa, and Maggie) all have blonde hair?


How can a Transformer be a 'robot in disguise' if people usually see them running around in robot form?

Has anybody else out there noticed that SpongeBob SquarePants actually has rectangular pants?


Why do Didi & Stu Pickles never put shoes on little Tommy? And for them to be babies, why do they leave them unattended so much?


If Winnie the Pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons? Didn't he?

Just a little something for us to ponder.........yes I had too much time on my hands!!!!!

Toon 4 My Tuesday

Here's one for you

Random Pic of the Day

Josh bought me this purse when we were at the Flea Market in Texas...isn't it just the cutest thing???? Oh and I even got the matching wallet to go with it!!!!


Admit it you love it ..right?????

Music 4 My Monday

I love this song...its one of those very "mushy" love songs....and after Josh and I got to spend our week-end alone together....well I was in the mood for a "mushy" love song..Im a very big romantic.....and songs like this really touch me..As you know from older post Josh and I have gone thru many ups in downs in our own lives with ex's and finally when we both had gotten to a point we were just done with the whole "love" thing...we were brought together..and though it hasn't always been easy....2 and half years later its been worth it all..anyway enjoy the song

two years since I said goodbye

Two years ago today I had a miscarriage. A miscarriage is a surreal experience. There is pain, there are tears, blood, sleepless nights and, most of all, there is uncertainty. Not only do you not know when it will end (a miscarriage can take two weeks to complete) but you have no idea how you should be feeling, what you should say, or what others should say to you. There's far too much mystery surrounding something that happens to one out of four pregnancies. When I had mine most people had no idea how to react to me as I was a complete emotional wreck and felt very numb inside. Im very close to my kids and for all my life I have had a special bond with kids, whether it was my cousin, nephew, niece, friends kids or kids I babysit. They are attracted to me naturally and I absolutely love being with them. So when I had my miscarriage it was one of the most devastating things I have ever gone thru and everyone around me knew this. Some didnt know what to say to me, others tried to make light of it hoping it would help by saying things like ,well it wasn't really more then just an embryo anyway, others would say there was a reason for this happening. No matter what anyone said to me I had just lost a piece of ME. And I didnt understand why and all I wanted was to have it back....God please give it back to me!!!!! When I was at the hospital they actually allowed Josh and I the opportunity to see the this precious little being. I know to some they would think how morbid...but to me I just had to have the chance to see it one time. My heart still aches thinking back to that moment...seeing that tiny little baby laying there with no life to it...wishing that as I reached to touch it that it would some how come back to me. There he or she was so small with fingers and toes....just no longer a beating heart. To this day my heart aches for this baby, Ive learned to move on with my life but I haven't learned how to let go and honestly I dont want to. I thank God each and every day for the three awesome and healthy boys he has given me, and though I still sometimes wonder why this one was taken from me Ive accepted the fact that it was and that there is nothing I can do about it. I feel that this is something that alot of women do not talk about but I know that alot of them have to feel the same things as me. There is nothing we can do ab0ut whats happened but it is very therapeutic to sometimes be able to talk about it. So for me I took this time to blog about it and I hope that I didnt offend anyone. Im sitting here trying to type this with tears running down my face and hoping it makes some kind of sense..this wasnt about anything other then the chance for me to get out what Im feeling inside on this day....I love you my precious little one and I pray that one day I will see you again...only this time with a beating heart!!!

Thoughts 4 my Thursday

On April 10th we celebrated my oldest sons 21st birthday...after getting over the shock I have a SON THAT IS 21!!! And feeling like oh wow I feel so old!!!!! (thank goodness for all those who tell me all the time I certainly do not look like I am old enough to have a son thats 21) But during this time I couldn't help but wonder where did the time go??? How did it pass by so fast????

How did we go from this:

To this:

I don't know how it happened...but it happened...and I tell you I couldn't be any more proud of him....he's in the National Guard....hes in college full time, and he has a job....he bought a new car....pays his own rent and bills......and has a heart of gold...his dad and I split when he was 6 and he dropped out of both of my older boys life, we had some rough roads ahead of us but we survived them all...I've learned so much from him and I am so very proud to call him MY SON!!!!

I of course was picture happy on his big day like I always am so here are a couple more for you:

Love it when he "acts" like he is so mad at me for taking pictures..hehe

That's my boy...showing off all his hard work!!




Sorry "toad" but no matter how old you get...mom still gets to give you a kiss
look at that wrinkled nose....geeeez hehehe

Random pictures from our trip to Texas

I dont know how it is for you but when I get with my brother and sister we have a great time...we unwind and laugh alot....act like we dont have a care in the world...I love spending time with them...here are some pictures of all of us just getting together being goofy for the camera..and no we arent drunk...its late...we are tired and just couldnt call it a night!!!

I love how Val is pushing Jacobs head into the shot and the look on his face is priceless!!!

Dev and I have sunburnt faces as we had just spent the whole day at the race!!!!

Mom and Devin showing off our burnt faces but SOMEONE hogged the whole shot!!!

Jacob being silly like the rest of us!!!

Devin and Jacob

Yes Josh was with us...he just hides and lets us all be crazy!!!

Im a Cowboys fan so I had to go check out their new stadium...GO COWBOYS!!!


Thought this was awesome we seen a field full of the power windmills and then seen this spot where the old fashion windmill was in the same field so had to get a picture of it!!!

What about me 4 My Wednesday

I suffer from Claustrophobia I will freak out if I get shut into small space.....so when my nephew wanted me to get into his favorite hiding place to play cars with him...well this was as far as I was going!!!!! But he didnt seem to mind!!!

Aunt Dena was even there to kiss him when he slammed his fingers in the cupboard door....OUCH!!!